updates?

Hello people.

I know I haven't been blogging for awhile, like a week or plus. 

Just looking at the blog hits drop is so saddening.

I am currently working, as an intern incase you do not know.

The working hours is from 11am to 7pm, I normally leave after 7pm though.

It's tiring, I do love the place though, just that I am still not much used to working hours?

By the end I reached home I am so exhausted that sometimes I do not even want to use the computer.

My only free times were Saturday and Sundays, which I spend it catching up with Friends and Family instead.

I know I neglected the blog but NOOO, I am not abandoning it!

I will try as much to blog, and when people tell me they read my blog,

I am really, really happy and appreciated it!

I do have a chunk of posts that I wanna blog about, and the list is just getting longer and longer thanks to me.

I have finally finish blogging on Genting, sorry Nuffnang ><

and there's lots more to go, and yes

BIG BANG, I need to blog about them.

I actually drafted out the post? It's just photo-less right now.

I got a few hauls posts to do up too. 

Not forgetting gatherings and events that I have went.

I am still somewhat active on Facebook and Twitter though, so do find me there!

Here's my Facebook page!!!
Do support and like please!!!

 https://www.facebook.com/cookieologic

and then there's Twitter

https://twitter.com/cookiehuijin

@cookiehuijin is for Instagram too!!!

See you people and thanks for reading my blog!!!

Sometimes I do wonder where you people come from, or are all of them just my friends ><

DO SHOUT-OUT TO ME and let me know who you are :)

April Craziness

HELLLO

I haven't really been blogging much this few days, and am wondering what I am busy with all about.

April is over and that meant school is almost half way through and I am suppose to be panicking much here.
I have yet to really think what I am going to put in my portfolio/demo reel.
The heart for school work isn't there at all, am very reluctant to go school actually.
It makes it worse when I only need to go school 3 times a week, which make the motivation to drop even more as the days I spend at home were rotted off.
MEHS.

Anyway, here's what I have been doing, school work wise.

Incase you do not know, I am an Animation student specializing in 3D modeling.
People often ask me why I DO NOT want to just work after poly or why I didn't continue with visual effects.
Yes, I do like visual effects but no, I do not want to have the same certificate again.
Plus, I really do hate particles effects and scripting. I only like the motion graphics and compositing side actually.
Somehow, 3D modeling caught my attention after concept art, I do know that I can't really draw that well and will hate drawing if I am forced to do it, and that meant homework. I really do prefer just scribble and doodles when I want to.
I got a love and hate relationship with Maya, like seriously.
All because of the excess usage of the mouse doing modeling work, my wrist got injured and I had to go for acupuncture. Not that I am complaining or what, but more like PEOPLE  PLEASE DON'T DO WHAT I DID.
Yet it seems funny I have never got that injury before with access games, dramas and such.
Or maybe because it was an old injury, the area, so prone to getting injuries easily.
I am just prone to getting injuries everywhere, especially the poor legs of mine.

This is one of my 3D modeling school work, am still making edits and texturing it.
To be honest, I totally don't have any motivation to continue this piece of work but positive comments to make me wants to continue on.
IF this wasn't school work, I will most likely scrap this project and threw it aside or something.

This is just a print screen of the body of the character I am doing.
Avatar : The Last Airbender - Zuko, the fire lord.

The head just don't look like him at all, so mehs.

Parents went to Hokkaido and I was left alone at home, that week can be counted as some sort of craziness since I do not have curfew and such, just was very, very broke.
They brought me back stuffs so am really happy, like my uniqlo tees, for example.

Practically spending days with the TIKO CREW people. It's like a new clique of friends to me, am still hanging out with the other cliques too la.

Le Tonton bought me my Tony Tony Chopper UT so I am loving it.

I got quite a few posts to blog but let me just rest for the moment.

Late Night Thoughts and ravings

Human nature is what brings racism, prejudices, bias and such.

The movie which I was today really taught me lots about being human.

Shall just post it at a later post with the movie review.

Right now it's the second week of school and somehow I am already stressing myself out.

It's not even the workload or anything but the thought of it. 

How I should get rid of my bad habits and stop delaying.

Disappointed in myself when I give in to temptation so easily.

Have yet to change my body clock and still sleeps late at night.

Technically, early in the morning.

I get tired easily, always yawning and dozing off easily.

I can practically fall asleep in between Boon Lay to Lakeside if you get how long the distance is.

School isn't hell but the thought of graduating in merely 6 months is.

I have yet thought of what I want properly.

What's the goal of life and what do I want to do out of it.

Where is my direction and where should I go.

What company are there for me and how's the portfolio gonna to be.

There's so many questions and wonders in my mind and I practically went crazy.

I get irritated so easily, migraines attacking.

Sleeping late doesn't help any.

All I want to do now, other than going to bed, is to

get a cup of of tea, preferably Earl Grey,

with some cookies or pastries to go with,

sit by the window or in a garden, 

reading my book or doodle something.

Away from this world where people stresses each other and themselves.

Where the societies make us live like we are dead,

make us work like there isn't tomorrow,

and how the world is going to end during the end of the year. 

Make it RIGHT for a BETTER RIDE!

Remember the jingle?

Train is coming, train is coming, train is coming!
The song was stuck in my head almost everyday when the jingle was up.

"We Keep Your World Moving" Facebook page has these posters up on their albums, and it's really meaningful so take a look at it.

This message in this particular poster talks about almost all the important stuffs on the MRT.
Singapore is small and thus public transport is very important to all of us and MRT is one of the most common transport that we take.
Even for me! I take it almost everyday to and fro to school, without it I will most likely cry walking or travel to school by bus or taxis.

I am really lucky as the stop I get on is at one of the end stations, thus the train will be most likely quite empty for me. However, it's also the most crowded station ever, Boon Lay.
The train is empty but the station is packed full of people!

I always hate it when I travel up the escalator to the platform and find groups of people crowding there waiting for the train.
There are so much space further down but people tends to just crowd near the escalator area.
Purely standing there instead of walking further down.

Moving inside the train is important as much as on the platform too!

There were times when I or people miss the trains because of this problems!
There are enough place to move down, PLUS, if you move down there were be seats too!
Why not make it a better trip for everyone? You and I?

I am one of those Kiasu singaporean who love to get a seat on the train too, it feels better to have a place to sit than to stand the whole trip, especially if you are traveling quite a distance.

Now with the gates installed, everyone have no choice but to stand behind the door as it's harder to cut in than before.
However, there is still the yellow lines for you to queue up at!

Even with the gates installed, there's still chance that you might fall in if the door is faulty or what.
Look at this photo from Stomp. The guy on top was standing so near to the gate and practically leaning on it. There might be chance that you will get caught by the door.

The yellow lines are there to guide people in and out of the MRT trains!
Isn't it irritating that people try to push their way in before you ever get out?
What if someone missed their stop because of irresponsible passengers?

We should just wait at the side and make our way through when everyone that need to exit had exited.
The train don't travel off that fast and there were be enough time for passengers to get in!

I think this is something what I called habit, if the parents can do it well and teach the next generation, and it will be passed on to the next, next generation and isn't it wonderful this way?

Getting in the train is another thing, people either tends to rush in to find a seat or just stay near the door so they can get out easily.
Walking in is only a few steps more and this will allow more passengers to get on!

I know everyone wants their personal space, even I do, however we should put ourselves in everyone's shoes too!
Maybe we should learn from Japan, hire a train pusher, push everyone in so the train is fully packed and everyone get to hop on and no one will worry about being too late for work/school/dates!

It's a little crazy though, HOW DO YOU EVEN BREATHE INSIDE!

Here's a video on the train pushers in Japan!

Letting up seats are very important too!
They are many cases, also as seen on stomp, that people especially youngsters tend to fake that they are sleeping or refuse to budge. 

There are seats specially cater for senior citizens, pregnant woman, handicaps etc. 

Even though there are seats catered but if we see any of this people we should just give up our seats!

There was a case my hand was bandaged and I couldn't grab the pole as I have to hold my stuffs with the other hand, so I was swaying to my sides.

Luckily the bf is there to hold on to me otherwise I might fly somewhere else.

No one actually gave up their seats for me and I wasn't really looking to sit down since it was a short trip.

The thing was, there was someone who gave up his seat to me instead! The sad thing was, he wasn't a singaporean at all! Looking at him, he should most likely be a construction worker instead!
Racism aside, they are actually the ones giving up their seats to people who need them more.

I was really thankful to that person.

Mummy had always been asking me to give up my seats to needy people since young, so I am really thankful to mummy for teaching me such a good habit and I think everyone else need to learn this too.

We should really learn from other countries too, they don't even sit down when there are a lot of seats as they know there were be elderly and needy that need the seats more than they do!

Why suffer throughout the ride and complain this and that, when everyone can just make a difference with such simple steps? 

It's our daily life, and with the thinking of making it a better ride, why not just do it instead of pure thinking?

It's like doing a good deed too!

Anyway!!!!! 

Join the “Make It Right For A Better Ride” Twitter contest and stand to win a pair of movie tickets! More details onhttp://on.fb.me/betterride

cheers :)

the EARTH like a blue marble

The Earth like a blue marble by NASA.

NASA managed to take a super HD photo, which is a composition of a few images, of our mother Earth.
It's really pretty so I am here sharing.

You can view the actual thing on their Flickr @ http://blog.flickr.net/en/2012/02/03/nasa-the-eastern-hemisphere/

and this http://www.flickr.com/photos/gsfc/6803619953/ explains how they composite the above photo.

However, isn't it kinda sad looking at this photo?
You see land, yes, but how many of it is green?
Talk about global warming, this is why the Earth is dying and the world is coming to an End.
We neglect the world, our mother Earth and we are actually the real killer of this world bringing the end closer to us by our own hands.
Stop pollution, stop green house effect, make the world a better place, for us, for the next generation and for you as a person living in this blue marble.

Take a look at this next photo, and you will get what I meant.

The above was taken by NASA on 11.07.2002

Just merely 10 years, and the Earth changes so much, where are the green land that I am seeing here.

Ear Pressure

I know I haven't been blogging much and there are like tons of backlog for me to write.

Give me some time, I been dragging and dragging, so much to do, too much for me to handle.

Anyway, I went to the doctors today.
Not something I expected to have, I wasn't there because I got a flu or whatever, I went there cause my ear was hurting me too much to handle.

It was hurting so badly, that I wasn't even able to eat my dinner in peace, cause every bite to the food, results into tons of pain in the ear. I practically cried trying to eat my dinner.

Actually, I didn't even plan to see a doctor at first, but ma make me go, I think it's the EAR, so she just make me go, and it's just opposite the house.

I am googling and wiki-ing facts on what happened and what pre-cautions I can take, and what affected it and such.
I do not want it to happen again, or if I am so unlucky enough, what can I do when it reoccurs.

So apparently, my ear felt block, what they called ear pressure, 耳鸣 in chinese.
I do get it quite easily, like on flights, car rides (sometimes), flu and such.
It's actually quite normal for people who have motion sickness to get it? So apparently.

There are actually different symptoms and ear problems.
Found this chart which actually helps in a way of another.
It might not be 100% true, but at least it lets you know to a certain extent what might happened to you, and what you can do with it.

http://familydoctor.org/familydoctor/en/health-tools/search-by-symptom/ear-problems.html

Ear pressure are like mainly caused by a malfunctioning Eustachian tube.
The tube connects the middle ear to the back of the nose/throat.
It helps to equalize the middle ear and the outer, open and closes when we swallow or yawn.
So when it malfunction, you will feel that the ear is blocked or muffled.

Common causes :
- allergics
- sinus
- cold
- infections within the ear
- pain and swollen in the jaw

Sad to say, currently I got a cold, and I always have sinus. Thus, it's a double "attack".
It was already on and off the day before, but it wasn't hurting me.
The ear felt blocked so it's like I can't really hear properly.

Imagine you went swimming, and the water get into your ears and resulting into slight hearing blockage, and that's the exact feeling I got.

I actually didn't think much about it, till today it started hurting so badly, that it spreads towards the throat and the head, affecting my speech and eating.

Make it worse I had car sick in the morning so the sinus was quite bad.

There are few stuffs you can actually tried before going to the doctors if you think it's not very serious.

Remedy # 1: Try to yawn. Yawing will help in opening the Eustachian tubes, hence, allowing the pressure in the middle ear to equalize with the air pressure in the environment. 

Remedy # 2: Eat a chewing gum or hard candy. This will allow some movement of the Eustachian tubes which will help relieve ear pressure. 

Remedy # 3: Close one of your nostrils with your finger and blow your nose gently. Don't blow with force, as this may lead to severe ear pain. 

Remedy # 4: Fold a few paper towels together, wet them with hot water and place them over your ear. Sleep on your side, with the affected ear on top. Now, place a small cup, over the towel placed on your ear. The heat from the paper towels will force your ears to open up and relieve the ear pressure. 

Remedy # 5: Buy a decongestant or nasal spray. These will help cure ear pressure caused due to sinus infections.

                                                       - http://www.buzzle.com/articles/ear-pressure-relief.html 

What you should do if you get ear pressure.

• Drinking plenty of fluids will give relief from sinus ear pressure. Water dilutes mucus and helps relieve ear pressure.

• A warm compress is the another best method to reduce ear pressure problem. Place a cloth soaked in hot water over your ear. The heat from this cloth helps relieve ear pressure.

• Keep your head elevated, using two or three pillows, while you sleep.

• Take a hot shower or steam for at least 15-25 minutes. Steam is quite helpful in relieving this problem and reducing the constant discomfort caused due to ear pressure. Also, running hot water over your nose will help drain the sinus and relieve ear pressure.

• As mentioned above, over-the-counter nasal decongestants should help relieve sinus pressure. You can also opt for a saline nasal spray. It is a mixture of water and salt which helps moisturize and relieve sinus problem. It also helps get rid of allergens. A saline nasal spray is usually available in an easy to use bottle.

Luckily, I don't have any infections in the ear, so the doctor gave me some painkillers to let me feel better.   Really hope that the pain will go away as soon as possible.

Though the painkiller works, it doesn't hurts as much as before but there are still occasional sharp pains here and there, and the medicine are kinda the drowsy type.

I am falling asleep while typing this already.

Donation and Charity

Went dinnering at Jurong Point with the parents today, and went pass a donation drive.
I did not really stop to take a look, but it was for the needy children and such according to their posters and banners.
So, I just told my mum how we should make a donation.
It isn't something great for us, but it really do make a big different for them?
Perhaps going to the temple every Sunday when I was young do instill some virtue in my life, like doing charity work and such.

Well, we didn't.
My mum actually said no.
She isn't the kind that normally will say no to charity and donation, instead asking me to be generous to it.
What she actually said actually makes me feel back for the people, and worse, the country.

"You do not know whether they are real or not, and even they are real, they might eat the money."

This is how bad it got and how it affects our thinking.

Remember those days when charity and donation drives were very common, and people are very generous and supportive about it?
Then, came all the problems and troubles where you see and hear news about how the higher ups "eat" the money and use it for their own sake.

It's not only the government based organisations, and not to be racist, both the christians and buddhists organisations faced the same situation.
Am not going to side anywhere even though I am born and grew up going to temples.

CHC, and the Renci Hospital are both cases that got very serious.
Worse till, the temple that I have been to? It's kinda link to Renci or something, I remember seeing Ven. Ming Yi giving talks and speeches in my temple?

It got really worse with the media reports?
I mean, yeah, they are in wrong, they are the one using OUR money for their own purpose.
Hate them, blame them, but don't blame the entire organisation because of them.
Think of the needy that need their help, think of how they rely them to survive and to live.

Just because of them, people start shunning off, and stop supporting the charity and donation drives.
It became very obvious when the amount of donations raised decrease in such a huge amount before all this happens.
People stop trusting them, and stop supporting, thus affecting the needy in needs.

What I think might not make any sense to some people out there, and there might be people who will think how fake I am or something.
I don't really care.

I feel bad for the people, and for the country.
Our country, Singapore, is so small, and so many cases actually repeatedly happened.

With the recent pay cut off the government, they should really make good use of them and use it for charity cause.

Look at the post from 9gag. YEAH, why is it like that.

Isn't it saddening?

Is there still love, care and concern in this world?

21st Birthday Party Aftermath

credits to Ruiting. 

I am dead tired, but I am really happy :)

I had fun, and really appreciated for those who came, even when it's so late at night, they made an effort to just turn up and say hi and to wish me "Happy Birthday"

Technically speaking? My actual birthday is on 20th Dec, this tuesday.
However, I got class til 4pm that day.

This year party were full of laughters, no tears, oh maybe, from joy and fun and humour.
It's just a happy birthday party that I really felt very, very, fortunate to have.

Without my family, relatives and friends, all this wouldn't have happened.
I was a bad host, bad with time control, my friends got there earlier than I did.

I could like to do a shout out to those people, who came down early, specially to help me.
Without you people, I would die trying to set everything up, setting up the cupcakes and decorating the place.

Thanks my cohort 9 people, Patricia, Weeteng, Alfred, Dee, Karina, Leonard, Ruiting, Samyutha, Yonghui.

Thanks the plaza people, for coming early, and had to get the balloons blown up because of me.
I am sorry for bad time planning.

Thanks tonton for helping me get extra stuffs when it was so last minute.

Thanks dom for helping me take all the photos. I can't wait to see them all, it's still loading, damn slowly -.-

Thanks everyone who turned up :)

I had fun unwrapping all the presents, even clearing up stuffs, just being there to chit chat with you people.
I am sorry that I didn't had enough time for everyone out there, but I really appreciated it a lot.

Thank you very, very much people.
Without you, nothing would have been done, and the party won't be going on.

credits to cousin, peirong

I will blog a proper post, when I get all the photos from here, there, and everywhere.

The main thing in life is not to be afraid of being human.

- Aaron Carter

POST : 2011.10.24

It wasn't a happy day that day.

Shawn's mum passed away, so Joyce and I went to visit him at the funeral.

We (Joyce and I) had lunch at the MCD over at the CC near his house.
Looking at the secondary school kids, nostalgic.

Went over to the funeral right after lunch.
The moment Shawn brought us to pray, he broke down and cry, and at that moment, our hearts broke,
yes, both of us.
It's really sad to see such a scene, right infront of us, from a dear friend of us.
I was holding back my tears, trying not to cry, and making Shawn felt worse.
Later on I found out, Joyce was having the same emotions throughout.

We chatted with Shawn, listen to him talked about his mum.
He was really loved, and his mum was really dear to him.
I can practically feels for him, my aunt passed away with the same reason as his mum.

Hope Shawn is okay right now, and his brother too, being strong, for his mother, and his own sake.
Friends will always be here for you if you need us :D

Headed for movies afterwards, and we settled with "What's your number?"
Glad that I watched it with joyce, cause this is something tonton won't wanna watch in the cinemas.

It's hilarious, super, duper, hilarious.
I couldn't stop laughing throughout.

One by one

One by one, bits by bits, I can do it.



Talking about school work, because of some reasons I got very stress over it. I can do it.

Actually, it's not just about school, as in this sentence?
It can be linked with everything.

I guess my migraine n leg injury could be one.

Friendships n relationship problems can work this way too.
And nah, I don't have any problems with tonton yet.


I will just keep my distance with everyone so nothing bad and sad will happen again

Sick, once again.

Yesh, like the tittle, I'm sick once again.
I think because of the lack of sleep and such, I wasn't fully recover frm last week.

On top of it, one of my classmate that I hanged out on Wednesday is hospitalized due to viral infection.
Which is highly contagious. He too, did not rest well to recover and it got worse again, and had to be hospitalized AGAIN.

That's it to say, this time is worse than last week.
Other than the running nose, headache and fever, I got a bad sore throat, with dry cough, body aching, diarrhea and vomiting.
Which, concludes almost all the symptoms of a viral infection.

So, the chances of getting it from him, is very very high.

This is just so disappointing, I am not being able to go skating due to the ongoing knee ligament problem, which is swollen right now, the flu bug just make it worse
I'm now restricted by what I can and cannot eat, and not being able to run about.

I am now lying on the bed, trying to fall asleep.
The medicines are strong, cough syrup + flu med + muscle relaxant + gastric/giddiness med, which at least there of them causes drowsiness.
Just that, the headache is too bad for me to sleep.


This post is so going up to cookies crumbles too. I have yet link it up to this blog.

Some people might say I'm just attracting attention with this, or I'm just thinking too much, etc.
But, it's better to be safe than sorry.

I am just weak, since young which I'm worse.
I do also hope that I will get sick so I can hop about here and there.

Need to google some facts to insert into my dumb brain, will share on cookies crumbles, cause I think this is something that it's easily caught, and people should learn from others experience.


Side note, have yet to tell mum about it.
I do not want a thrashing from her how I often sleep late, and I don't want her to get worried, especially at this timing.
Maybe with all the medicines and sleep + cooling slip that make me feel better? I might recover and don't feel sick tomorrow when I wake up.

Then, I can pop by at the rink to celebrate akira's birthday :)


So, for now. お休みなさい.
いま…私は寝るつもりです。
じゃあ。

HMPH

I am suppose to feel happy TODAY, but instead....
this is what I am feeling now...

and I don't know why I am feeling THIS sad.
i am not supposed to be?

and I wonder why I am like this.

I am to sad to talk, cause I am tearing already.

:(

I am crying real badly now.

I really don't like how we talked to each other tonight.
Why with all the attitude and the irritation.
We were both feeling irritated for don't know what reasons.
I just don't like this feeling of it.

I met up with my friends and you were in school.
It started from the phone calls.

Or maybe it already started with me feeling angry in school, did I vent it out on you unknowingly?
I am sorry, I really didn't mean to if I did. I am really sorry.

I didn't cry so badly since don't know how long ago?
With the uncontrollable tears.
They just fall, drop by drop. Down by cheeks into my hands and laps.
They even slowly drip them anymore.
They drop, big drops of them.
I can't even remember when I started tearing; I didn't even realise I was crying.



I feel real real real sad now. Over the situation I guess.
I don't like this, I hate it.
We aren't even arguing with each other, or angry at each other for something.
Or perhaps I did something wrong I didn't know.

The cold, flu and the migraine headache make the irritated feeling worse, I am sorry.

I really do hope that, tomorrow, when we wake up, everything will be okay.


I am sorry.
I really don't like this, this is just to saddening for me.

I haven't cried so badly for such a long time, I thought I had forgotten this feeling.

Today ain't a good day, I shouldn't vent it out on you or even anyone else.
Shouldn't expects anyone to do much.
I should stop relying on people too much, expecting to automatically comfort and give in to me, yes even jellybean.
I need to find back my independency, seriously.


I should try to go sleep and hope when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be okay and alright.


Stress and feeling tired, they make things worse.
I shouldn't blame anything, it's like finding excuses.
I only got myself to reflect to.

I thought I will get strong, but am still that vulnerable self with the layers of self protection I give myself.

I am sorry, really am.
I don't want anything like this to happen ever again, please.


Good nights

GE

GE 2011 was finally over, I am now on my bed blogging this.

A few hoorays and a few disappointment.

Congrats to WP for making history? Taking up more seats as opposition this year?

But, it's really saddening that Mr George Yeo was voted out. They said that the opposition was strong, a "dream team" they called them. So yeah for winning against PAP? But George yea out of parliament? He is one of the rare good ministers we have. A gentlemen indeed with his speech after the results.

Oh a total air head, bimbo, what sgreans called "Xiao mei mei" gonna be in the parliament this time. Thanks to GCT, without him, doubt they will win huh.
Hope ms tin tin better change for the good. Grow up and be more mature. No more stomping of foot please.

Maybe Kate spade will get like an increase of import but with a decline of sales? With the oppose against tintin?

How about vote tin tin out and get George yeo in instead? Replacing her?
Or george yeo for president or smething?

Will I get caught or sue for posting this up huh?

And Cedric foo! Since u are voted smc for my area, can you make sure the blks are going to be fully painted instead of partially?

GE over, 2016 next, and I will get my chance to vote.


Repent? Now? And wait and see how things go for the next 5 years.

I need to sleep, mum cannot stop nagging.

><

am confessing, am not a good girl.I just did something bad.
don't ask me what, I will tell if I want to.

okay, okay, ain't not going to think negative again, and be too curious. aish



boohoohoo. ain't not in a good mood today, and I don't know why.

no one causes it.
but I am just not in a good mood.
am getting irritated easily.



NATALIE where are you. I need to rant ><
it's saddening. to me. at least. boohoohoo



I MISS U A LOT!!!



I should stop thinking all the negative stuffs and stay positive huh.
one emo cookie here.
STONEs.



I think I get emo too easily.
not good not good.

... ...

First thing first, my endurance level just went up.
I managed to hold back my tears from orchard to jurong east.
I only started to tear up after jellybean alight.

I think this is the first time since we got together that I cried.
I even say goodbye to him at jurong east and did not drag him to boon lay with me.
He is already tired.
And nope, he isn't the one who made me cry or at least tear.
I just don't want to worry him by crying in front of him.

I know he sensed something wrong since he keep asking me what's wrong.
I always happen to have excuses.
I really need to grow up from all this crying.

It wasn't about anyone, okay, a little k?

I learn my lesson, to tell everyone everything?

I learn to keep things to myself now.
I learn it the hard way.

There are some things that are meant to say and some things aren't.

My own fault for sharing.
I thought they would just keep it to themselves then to share it with others, assuming I told them too.

Why must they say out stuffs like nothing had happen and its normal for them.

There are still things that I don't want others to know.
I choose people to tell.
Even if I do tell, I won't say everything.

I thought I could trust them enough to keep to themselves.
Don't just say it out infront of others.

I did not tell others about your stuffs right?
I did not just discuss about it in front of other people right.

I'm not angry, merely disappointed.

I only have myself to blame.
I learn it the hard way.

Maybe keeping things to myself will be better.
I will not share stuffs so easily after all.
Even though I might be uncomfortable by bottling everything up, but it's better than risking it.

A little confuse now, just let me disappear for the day.

:(

why do I let myself get affected by stupid little things that I should ignore instead.

the more I get affected, the more she wins.

actually I have nothing to lose out right, she is the one trying to be, competing.
I am just  there doing nothing, but get affected and angry over it.

I actually got so angry I cried. W T H

But seriously, it's a little bit over board.

damn

Growing up

I thought a lot on the way home today, especially talking to Yiping on the way.
I seriously thanks her for reading all the rants I have to say, and try to comfort me and supporting me.

I realise I rely and depend on people a lot.
My friends and my family, especially my friends actually.
They are the ones I normally talked to, cause sometimes I don't know how to explain things to my parents and most of the time, we argue, cause of nagging and such.
I don't like the argue part though, I really need to try and be a good girl, at least do what they want, deep down I know their nagging are for my own good, but I just had to be so ill-mannered and argue back.

I realise how immature I am, how childish I am.
I am 20 now, turning 21 this year.
I am turning into an adult.
I can't be such a spoilt brat anymore, and a pampered princess.
Deep down I know how bad I am, how I should change, badly.
Yet, I keep lying to myself, living in my own self delusion and lies, I gave myself excuses and excuses, finding ways to be that girl, that will be showered by attention and love.

I don't like to be ignored, I love all the attention, those I should and shouldn't get.
Yet, I am not appreciative enough to have them.

It got worse with my migraine, it just easily become my excuse.
The throbbing headache will become my shield, my excuse, my lies to get away from things I don't want to face, or to get things I want.
People will just tends to give in to me, when they see me suffer from it.
How saddening and sick I am.
Shouldn't I get over it instead?
Shouldn't I overcome them instead?
I am stuck with it, jolly well get over it, and overcome them, right?
I know very well, each time I will always tell myself, one last time, I will not cry anymore, I will not want to drag my friends in anymore, but every other time, things will happen again.
I wonder what I am afraid of.

Losing.

The attentions, they shower me.
I love it.
I don't like being left alone, ignored, or treated coldly to.
I always laugh, get high, bounce here and there.
Is that the real me? Sometimes I ask.
Why do I get so happy and funny outside, but yet cry sadly at home in my med, burying my heads in to my pillow, drenching it with my tears.
Why do I always think negatively when I am alone.

I need to grow up, stop relying on people too much, stop giving myself so much excuses.
It works with relationships, friendships and kinships.
Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend before, maybe that's why my friends always left me, maybe that's why I always argue with my family.

Time to change girl.
System reboot.

I need to be independent, I will learn to, and try to.
I need to grow up, rely on myself.
Stop giving myself all the excuses, I should face them.
Straight and hard.

I have always been falling down, physically.
So why can't I learn to pick myself up mentally?

I know I shouldn't rely on people too much, before I got so used to them, that I realise I might be a burden to them.
I realise relying on others, make me a weakling too?

With friends going overseas for study, I realise, they are gone.
Who can I face? Who can I talk to?
They are the ones standing beside me, listening to all my rants and such.
We argued much, cause sometimes they don't understand, but yet I realised, they understand, I don't.
I just don't want to face the truths people are trying to tell me.
I am sorry.
I appreciate them a lot, they are the ones who led me on, supporting me, and helping me.
While they are gone, and far, distance wise.
I realise I can't find them any time anymore, not like they are just one phone call away?
Few MRT stops away?
Few streets away?
or even few blocks away...

It's time for me to grow up, huh?
Get rid of the spoilt brat I had in me, stop being such a demanding princess, stop relying on people so much.
I need to be independent, I need to take care of my self, my own.

Can I really do it?

jealous

I think I gets jealous too easily. Yiping should know what I mean. AISH.



Too many backdated blog posts to blog.
Am going to post soon once I find the extra time.

Been L4D-ing too much this few days, it got worse when 4 other classmates bought the game too.
Steam is my next good friend.

Shall stop thinking too much for the moment, and go to sleep so I can actually wake up and go to school tomorrow.
Prays hard that I won't sleep in.

and I stopped my medications cause of the side effects it's giving me, waiting for doc call for further information now.



Good Night.



I can't wait for yiping to ask ahboy about IT.