I thought a lot on the way home today, especially talking to Yiping on the way.
I seriously thanks her for reading all the rants I have to say, and try to comfort me and supporting me.
I realise I rely and depend on people a lot.
My friends and my family, especially my friends actually.
They are the ones I normally talked to, cause sometimes I don't know how to explain things to my parents and most of the time, we argue, cause of nagging and such.
I don't like the argue part though, I really need to try and be a good girl, at least do what they want, deep down I know their nagging are for my own good, but I just had to be so ill-mannered and argue back.
I realise how immature I am, how childish I am.
I am 20 now, turning 21 this year.
I am turning into an adult.
I can't be such a spoilt brat anymore, and a pampered princess.
Deep down I know how bad I am, how I should change, badly.
Yet, I keep lying to myself, living in my own self delusion and lies, I gave myself excuses and excuses, finding ways to be that girl, that will be showered by attention and love.
I don't like to be ignored, I love all the attention, those I should and shouldn't get.
Yet, I am not appreciative enough to have them.
It got worse with my migraine, it just easily become my excuse.
The throbbing headache will become my shield, my excuse, my lies to get away from things I don't want to face, or to get things I want.
People will just tends to give in to me, when they see me suffer from it.
How saddening and sick I am.
Shouldn't I get over it instead?
Shouldn't I overcome them instead?
I am stuck with it, jolly well get over it, and overcome them, right?
I know very well, each time I will always tell myself, one last time, I will not cry anymore, I will not want to drag my friends in anymore, but every other time, things will happen again.
I wonder what I am afraid of.
The attentions, they shower me.
I love it.
I don't like being left alone, ignored, or treated coldly to.
I always laugh, get high, bounce here and there.
Is that the real me? Sometimes I ask.
Why do I get so happy and funny outside, but yet cry sadly at home in my med, burying my heads in to my pillow, drenching it with my tears.
Why do I always think negatively when I am alone.
I need to grow up, stop relying on people too much, stop giving myself so much excuses.
It works with relationships, friendships and kinships.
Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend before, maybe that's why my friends always left me, maybe that's why I always argue with my family.
Time to change girl.
I need to be independent, I will learn to, and try to.
I need to grow up, rely on myself.
Stop giving myself all the excuses, I should face them.
Straight and hard.
I have always been falling down, physically.
So why can't I learn to pick myself up mentally?
I know I shouldn't rely on people too much, before I got so used to them, that I realise I might be a burden to them.
I realise relying on others, make me a weakling too?
With friends going overseas for study, I realise, they are gone.
Who can I face? Who can I talk to?
They are the ones standing beside me, listening to all my rants and such.
We argued much, cause sometimes they don't understand, but yet I realised, they understand, I don't.
I just don't want to face the truths people are trying to tell me.
I am sorry.
I appreciate them a lot, they are the ones who led me on, supporting me, and helping me.
While they are gone, and far, distance wise.
I realise I can't find them any time anymore, not like they are just one phone call away?
Few MRT stops away?
Few streets away?
or even few blocks away...
It's time for me to grow up, huh?
Get rid of the spoilt brat I had in me, stop being such a demanding princess, stop relying on people so much.
I need to be independent, I need to take care of my self, my own.
Can I really do it?